My Signs are CLEAR Fellas

Ladies, we've all been there. It seems inevitable that at some point in our day that we're going to be bombarded with dumb a$$ed questions from a male that doesn't know how to read the signs! The funny part is 75% of the time WE are going to be written off as being a "bytch", "stuck up", or some other nonsense just because some sap can't accept the fact that we didn't leave the house because we wanted to talk to his "no rap" ass!




READ THE DAMN SIGNS




We're not ignoring you because we don't see you! We saw you (sometimes before you even saw us) and you just LOOK like you have some dumb shyt to say!




What do we do?




1. We walk quickly. This is in hopes that you will see our sense of urgency. We have somewhere to be. No time to chitty chat. Thanks for yellin some odd compliment! Alright...now keep it movin!



2. We fiddle with our phones NOT because we want to put your number in it. It is so that you see our attention is elsewhere: texting, emailing, about to place a call.


3. Wearing earphones. Nicca BEAT IT! I see your lips movin just like u see me jammin to the ipod. I will take it off ONCE to hear what you're yappin about. If I place it back on quickly...please don't say anything else. Its just rude.


4. I aint smilin for a reason - to appear less friendly! You should've seen me 5 minutes ago. I was living and loving life but then I saw your ass! I want to look as unapproachable as possible.


5. Pretending to be sleep. LOL, this only works on Metro.




But some of you just don't get it! You speedball straight pass all the signs and ask DUMBASS questions like:




Why you look so mean?




I was clearly hoping not to have this discussion with you!




Can I go with you?




What kinda madness is this? Firstly, if you have no other place to be WHY ON EARTH do I want you coming with me? And why are you just standing around hollering at women?




Can I talk to you for a minute?




I'm walking 75mph AND listening to my ipod...WTH do you think?




Are you calling me?




I hate this line! No I am not nor will I be any time in the future.


Where your man at?

You stopped me, had me take off my ear phones...and THIS...THIS is what you want to ask me? KIM




I mean, really? What ever happened to gentlemen? Does anyone know how to effectively communicate their interest anymore?




Extend your hand. Introduce yourself. Give an appropriate compliment (NOT DAMN you phat) but more important




PAY ATTENTION TO THE SIGNS!!!!




Sheesh

The ART of FB Mackin'

We’ve all seen it. The resident FB body who often has NO picture or just one picture on their profile. There are no wall posts or status updates and the info section generally says “ask me”.

He/she is a FB Mack.

This individual NEVER comments on your status; instead, they send responses directly to your inbox or “chats you up”. The message titles are usually “Hi”, “Hey”, or “What’s up”. Messages are generally short and possibly filled with unnecessary slang. “What’s wrong, Ma”? “If I were your man, Hun”! “Can I get to know you sweetie”?

The FB mack never wants to be tagged in photos. It’s proof of where he’s been and who he knows.

The FB mack “friend surfs”. He/she has often found you on another person’s page and is known to lurk comments that you post elsewhere.

The FB mack quite often is listed as “In a relationship” and sometimes has a link to said significant other.

The FB mack is ALWAYS communicate via FB Mobile…cuz he/she is always on the go.

These are just a FEW of MY telltale signs…have you seen this Mack?

911 is a joke?

I've caught many stories recently, in which, folks have been abusing the police system by calling 911, undeservingly. They've ranged in ridiculousness.

This morning I was intrigued by a story of a 66 year old Florida man who was jailed for calling 911...get this...because a drive thru was out of lemonade! Bwahahahahhaahahahahahaaaa

Now, I'm assuming that this man was "in his right mind" as he is permitted to operate a vehichle. So, this leads me to believe that this man was (a) EXTREMELY high or (b) thirsty as hell. Whatever the case may be, he clearly has a strong liking of lemonade and was PISSED that he couldn't get it.

This morning I'm thinking how nice it would be if I could call the police because SOMETHING has pissed me off (and not suffer any consequences). I would definitely call 911:

On my coworker for not getting the bottoms of her pants tailored. I have YET to see her shoes.

On OASDI for taking taxes out my check.

On my alarm clock for waking my ass up in the morning.

On my alarm clock for NOT waking my ass up in the morning.

On clothing designers that insist that I wear a size {number removed}. I clearly am a size 4!!! Stop laughing.

On my job for being far!

On the next coworker to point out how big my ass is in my pants.

On the media for this Chrihanna coverage.

On my children for repeatedly calling my name.

On my boo for not paying me enough attention.

On everyone that doesn't pay me a LOT of attention.

On this creepy guy staring for paying TOO much attention.

On my WORK for not doing itself so I can blog!!!!!!!!

Who you reporting??????????

Hand Me a Clock

Reality TV has been suggested to me a MULTITUDE of times; however, never quite as OFFENSIVE as what I'm about to tell ya.


I was having, what seemed to be, a perfectly normal conversation with my current love interest. Real Chance at Love was on my television. (It wasn’t doing a very good job of keeping my attention, I might add). That’s when he said it! “Why don’t you go on one of those”?



WTF?????????


Did I miss something?

So I investigate further by asking “WHY on EARTH would I need to do that”? He responds, “To get your blog going”?

Are we serious? Really? Now I know that Patent and I are the only folks that comment on our blog BUT we’ve only given the address to one person.



THESE are all things that I’d rather do than EXPLOIT myself and family because I want attention:


NOT blog while at work

Pay my taxes

Eat with Anthony Bourdain

Go on tour with Souljah Boy

BUY a Souljah Boy album

DATE Souljah Boy

Vote Republican

Count my eyelashes

Pay child support

Pay spousal support

Take out the trash

Bathe in the trash

Loan my vagina to Pam Anderson (she gets it in)

Diet with Nicole Ritchie

NOT blog at work

DO SOME WORK

Clip my grandma’s toenails (she asks)

Befriend Danny Bonaduce

Give up my Blackberry

Keep up with the Jackson’s noses

Keep up with Lil Kim’s noses

Do Jim Jones’ laundry

Piss off Kanye

Ponder life w/ Lil Wayne

Be Bobby Brown


…and that’s just off the top of my head!

UGH!

Would the REAL Musicians please Stand up

I'm not a fan of radio much, these days!

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE music! Every so often I catch an “ear glimpse” into the world of music by listening to some of the CRAP my kids chant around the house. I grew up in the era of NWA and Uncle Luke (LOL) and remember the struggle against censorship; however, this crap today…is on the RADIO!

These are just some of the reasons I think MUSIC, not just hip-hop, is dead:


Wait’ll you see my d*ck

Ummm…..ok? Ladies? You have got to tell me that this is not where we are with pick up lines! First off….Imma go head and say it. Those brothers are NO LOOKERS. Now you mean to tell me that the most clever thing that they can come up with to say to a chick is wait til you see my d*ck? I think I’m going to pass!

Fabolous

Otay, Buckwheat. Why do people feel like they can just make up their own damned words? Now, Mary jumped ALL the way out there and invented a whole new language with “Family Affair” *giggles* and I’m with you Mary. But how do you take a REAL word and just spell it any ole way you want to? “Hands in the Ayer”? WTF???? That better be a tribute!

“Lesson 8…conversate”

You keep right on conversating, girl! LOL, the rest of will be right over here speaking English.

PLIES!!!!!!!

Ugh! Sit down! I don’t even want to elaborate on this. This man is gonna encourage a WHOLE lotta little girls to be disappointments to their daddies.

Champagne equating success

If I hear one more song poppin a damned bottle??????? WTH? Can we pop something else for a change? Maybe some Bonds, IRAs, Investments, some form of saving some $$$$. I’ll sing that song. WHOOOOA we going to the bank…..OOOOOOH! LOL

Subtle sexual innuendo

Have you listened to some of these damned lyrics? Can you keep up by DC (and Kidz Bop did a cover) WTF????? There is nothing worse than hearing your innocent baby walking arount singing bout "beating it like a cop"!

Chopped and Screwed

Why, oh why? This phrase has officially taken over the English language. SEND IT BACK! It’s not the only one either! “Get like me”, “Ain’t trickin if you got it”, “Swagga like”, “Please Excuse My Hands” and any other phrase overused on MySpace taglines!

Crank Dat Superman, Spiderman, Robocop, Porky Pig, Popeye the Sailorman, Strawberry Shortcake

What in the blazin blue balls is that lil fellers problem? Seriously. SD&STFU sometimes

Autotune

Leave that shyt in the 80s with Zapp and Roger Troutman, Please! Leave me with my memories of Computer Love!

Sheesh….that’s all. For NOW!

Top 5 Reasons I HATE Metro...today

Okay, so the Metro has its pluses; however, lately I have been forced to observe ALL of the reasons why Metro is not my friend.

5. Punctuality - Metro clearly has a blatant disrespect for me being on time. When I'm on time - they're LATE. When I'm late - They're LATE AS HEL. When I'm early - well...shyt i'm SURE they'd find some way to EFF that up, too!

4. Tourist - enough said! My black ass is trynna get to work. You're pissin me off with your FBI hats and cameras flashing! Why are you even up and out at this time? SHEESH

3. Escalators - Dawg? You may as well just call them stairs! They are never functioning in the direction that I want to go in. Up or Down? LOL, though it's nothing like arriving at a Metro station with a 2,000 foot ascent and seeing it not functioning. Shouts of SHIIT! FUUGGGG THIS! AWWWWW MAAAAAN! are hilarious!

2. Lap Dancers - Man? you know you got a big ass! I GOT a big ass! Why do you wanna come sit right HERE???? Get up OFF my lap!

1. Gas - Anonymous gas. You can't hold that shyt in? Once those doors close...we ALL trapped and suffocated! Then it leaves you playin the guessing game...Who Dealt it???? Who tends to get blamed? The person with the biggest butt, right? NOT good for me if I'm standing!

UGH!

Remember When?

Remember when?




The only folks that had cell phones were doctors and hustlers?

“your Muva” was thee single most vicious thing you could EVER say to someone?

Television shows actually had casts?

Michael Jackson was THE MAN?

Pong could entertain you for HOURS? I mean it was a little ass line and a ball and a “bloop” sound! AMAZING!

Superman the movie looked believable? LOL, the special effects NOW look whack as hell!

Bobby Brown was a heartthrob?

You used to sit by the radio with your finger on the “Record” button, trynna make a mixtape? LOL OR video mixtape while watching Video Soul?

You called someone and got that annoying busy tone. Wasn’t nothing you could do but WAIT…or do an “emergency breakthrough”. LMAO

You could play on peoples phones WITHOUT them calling you back. I KNOW ITS YOU RAY-RAY! The caller ID say Ray Smif!

Getting touched on the butt (or touching a girls butt) was like sex?

You thought the year 2000 was gonna be like the Jetsons?

Biker shorts were the rage?

Your time telling skills were based on “when the street lights came on”?

You paid damn near $100 for an outfit that looked like someone had worn it for years? USED jeans man? LOL

Jim Carey was funny?

One pair of shoe laces just WASN’T enough?





For my DC folks

Remember when:

You didn’t have cable…you had Super TV?

Work the Walls got a REAL video?

Crystal Skate was the “hangout”?

You wanted to be on that Dance Connection with the “Moon Man”?

You’d get dressed to go walk the strip at Hains Point and see who could get the most numbers?

Landover Mall had stores?

Baltimore seemed like another country? Well? LOL

There were concerts at the Capital Center?

They instituted uniforms in the schools?

You would get pysched to hear that police band come to your school?

EU went national with Go-Go?

Mostly I remember when my ass…
DIDN’T have to get up and go to work! SHEESH!
What do YOU remember?

Posted by Carmen Cosmopolitan at 6:21 AM